Finding the Light

8 Oct

We live. We learn

We crash. We burn

We grow up and grow apart

Butif we listen to our heart

Give it time, in the end

We’ll find our way back again

 K.M.

10/08/12

 ____________________________________________________________

I got stuck in a rut a long time ago

And instead of finding my way out, I just got buried deeper and deeper. Eventually, I couldn’t even see the light above me anymore… but the darkness had become so familiar that I didn’t realize how deep I was… I didn’t realize that if I didn’t start my ascent to the surface, I’d never see the light again. Looking back at it now, it’s so obvious to see. How did I let myself get buried so deep? How could I not see that I needed help? On some level I did know, but I was still in such denial that even with help I was hopeless. Eventually the darkness became so overwhelming that I was willing to cling to any ray of light I saw, even if it was fire and I knew I’d get burned. I took a look at my life and suddenly realized how unhappy I was. I didn’t understand why I was so unhappy. I am actually still quite unclear about the exact cause of my depression. I never would have admitted before, but I was in a deep, dark depression. It got to the point where I didn’t know what else to do. I never remembered feeling so desperately lost before. I felt like I had lost myself. Instead of turning to the one person who has always been there for me… instead of leaning on my rock, I distanced myself. I distanced myself and convinced myself my unhappiness had stemmed from our life. Truthfully, I don’t know where my unhappiness came from. A lot of horrible experiences better left buried suddenly overwhelmed my life. Being that lost in the darkness made it impossible for me to think clearly. I couldn’t handle life the way it was going. I wasn’t living, I was floating through my existence without a purpose. I lost my ambition, my desire, my hopes, my dreams. I stopped doing things that made me happy. I let myself get lost. The fault cannot be placed on anyone other than me, and while I take full responsibility for it, I realize now that I have no reason to apologize. I know now that it was not my fault. I know that the decision I made was right, even though I wish I could start again where I left off. I can see a future full of light again… It’s the very same picture I walked away from because I got so lost. But I took time, I took space, I did some living, I did some learning. I made a lot of mistakes… and I’m ready to find my way back again. I know I can’t just pick up where I left off. I destroyed parts of my former life. They can be mended but they will never be the same. Maybe that’s a good thing. I hope never to fall into such darkness again. I pray that in the back of your mind, years down the road, if I get lost again, you will remember this letter. You will remember these words, and you will know how to help me when I can’t help myself. You are free to think of me what you will. You may judge me as you see fit. But I know now that I am strong. I am a survivor. I am good and caring and kind. So please, remind me that there is always a way to find the light again. Remind me if ever again the darkness consumes me that there is a way out. Remind me that what I have is rare and real and even if it isn’t perfect, it’s perfectly right for me. My mistakes are my own to learn from. My admission of deep and consuming depression is my first step toward getting back to the place I know I deserve to be. This is not a cry for help; this is an admission of weakness, and realization of strength… and a hope that if ever my strength fails again, there will be people better suited to help me save myself. I might not have it all together, but I have the pieces… and now I’ve got the light to see where they go.  

 

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Things you should never, ever say to me…

13 Oct

I realize I haven’t posted in a long time, I’ve been slacking. I’ve been super super busy lately. Honestly, I barely have time to breathe. But tonight I’m making time to post.

First, let me ask you a question…. ready? Where do I live?

Better yet, where do you THINK I live.

Do I live in imagination land? Fairy land? Disney Land? The fake world? Because I’m pretty sure I live in the real world.

So, remember what the title of this post is… “Things you should never, ever say to me…”

Don’t EVER say to me, Welcome to the real world. And you should NEVER call me honey. Especially if you’re not my mother or my lover. And you should never, EVER say “welcome to the real world, honey.”  to me… ever ever ever.

I’m sorry, but where the hell do you think I live? And how long does a person have to live in the real world before people stop welcoming you to it? … because I swear to god if I was paid every time I was welcomed to the real world, I could probably afford to live in imagination land. I’ve been welcomed to the real world since I was 14 years old.

So I ask you, what IS the real world? Is the real world when you have a job? Is it when you have 2 jobs? 3? Because I’ve been there, done that… since I was 14 years old. Is the real world having responsibilities? Because, wait, let me check….yeah, I’ve got those too. Is the real world dealing with other people’s bull shit every day? Is it having people not take you seriously… because I’ve got that covered, too.

Other things you should never say to me are:

When are you graduating High School? … wait a minute, wait a minute… yeah, I did that several years ago.

Oh, are you starting college soon?….. nope, finished it actually.

Are you going to see your boyfriend this weekend? … no, I’m going to see my fiance as soon as I get home, because we live together, in the house that we pay for.

There are lots of other things you should never, ever say to me… but unfortunately, I live in the REAL world and have REAL responsibilities I must now go attend to… before I pass out from exhaustion and wake up in the morning to do it all over again… like I’ve been doing for the past 8 years.

Any one else agree with me here or am I way off base? What world do YOU live in?

Miss me?

15 Aug

Hello Hello!

I know, I’ve been away for months and months… but I still love you, promise!

So, we’ve been in our new house since the beginning of March… about 5 months now, which is just crazy to think about. We were living with the bare minimum for a while there… sleeping on an air mattress and sitting on the floor because we couldn’t move any furniture in until we re-finished the floors. Thankfully that ended and we are now fully furnished. I definitely don’t miss sleeping on that air mattress. I graduated college with honors… and I’m really, really happy to be done. I’m sure some day in the near-ish future, I will miss my college days, but not yet.

I’ve been working at my usual jobs since graduation and doing more work on my company, Kelly MacIntyre Creative. I applied at a few different local news stations, but haven’t heard anything back. I’m not heart broken, I don’t really want to work in the news industry…. that’s just kind of what everyone expects me to do. I actually just got offered a full time position with full benefits at the place I’m currently working (I’ve been averaging about 33hr/week part time lately). So I’m pretty excited to get started on that… plus it will be a job that actually requires some thinking… unlike what I’ve been doing (pulling staples, copying, scanning… lather, rinse repeat). Pretty boring… PLUS, full benefits means I can finally get married and not have to worry about what’s going to happen to my health insurance.

I picked a date for my wedding. But I’m holding off on announcing it until after Mike’s sister’s wedding which is coming up very very soon! 9/10/11.

There is a new family member in my home, an adorable grey kitten named Misty… she’s been here for about 2.5 months now. She’s actually sitting in my lap right now. I think she’s really helping Ellie come out of her shell, too. Unfortunately, Jack wants to eat her… so we have to keep them separated.

Yesterday I filled my grandmother’s china cabinet with the china I inherited from my Meme, which was HER mother’s china, which makes that my great-grandmother’s china. My entire dining room is filled with heirlooms from both of my grandmas. The table and chairs belonged to my Meme… the very table I grew up eating at. And I have to say they all fit in there perfectly.

I’m sure there are plenty of other new things I could tell you about but that’s all I’m writing for now.

I promise I’ll try to get back in the swing of things and post more often!

Some things…

21 Mar

If you’ve been keeping up (not that I’ve posted much lately…) you know the following things:

1.) I’m doing an internship right now in addition to my two jobs

2.) I was in the process of buying a house

3.) My best friend just passed away.

So, keeping all those three things in mind, please forgive my lack of posts… I still love you, promise.

Also keeping those things in mind, I’d like to let you know that I did finally get the house. It happened about two weeks ago now… and the timing was pretty good. I needed a distraction from the sorrow happening in my life right now. It’s kind of hard to be happy about it now, though. I don’t feel like being happy yet. BUT, I AM still excited about it, and there’s plenty to do to keep myself distracted for a while.

I’ll take some before and after pictures to keep you all in the loop with the renovations.

Also, I’m getting my degree  in less than two months… thank goodness… I’m definitely ready to be done with school now.

Example, I have class until 9 tonight, and now I live 45 mins away from school… and I have the worst headache of my life. So… home sounds better than a classroom right now.

I’m still hoping to post that “e-books are ruining the world” post that mysteriously vanished last time I wrote it (conspiracy?). So look out for that.

Until then,

KeMa

Without You Here

7 Mar

Without You Here

I cannot find the words to write

Words aren’t going to make it alright

But writing, well, that’s what I do

I know it’s what you did, too.

We wrote together for years

Shared our secrets, shared our fears

Talked about life and talked about love

Talked about whether there was something above

You sometimes said that you believed it was true

Other times you said it was just how people remembered you

Well from the bottom of my heart I want you to know

That even though I wasn’t ready to let you go

I remember you with only the fondest of memories

I hope that now everyone sees

How absolutely wonderful you truly are

And even though you’re gone, you’re never far

As long as I keep you in my heart

You take up such a huge part

I promise you’ll be born again in my first son

And he’ll always know that he’s the one

Who was named after my very best friend

He’ll grow up feeling as though he knew you

Because he’ll hear the stories. He’ll see the pictures.

He’ll know just how special he is

Just how special you are

Goodbye is only temporary, I know

But I’m not ready to let you go

I’m not ready to say goodbye

I wasn’t expecting you to die

We had so many plans, things to do

Am I supposed to do them now without you?

I miss you more than words can say

And I anxiously await the day

That I’ll see you again

That you’ll smile and say, “I missed you, friend.”

I want you to know that I intend

To live my life fully until the end

Even though right now it doesn’t feel right

I promise every day I’m going to fight

To be the very best I can be

You had so many dreams for me

I promise I’m going to do whatever it takes

I promise to learn from my mistakes

I promise I’m going to make you proud

I say it in silence and I scream it aloud

I don’t understand why it had to be you

There was so much you wanted to do

Like publish the book you wanted to write

Find all the constellations in the sky one night

Teach your son how to throw a ball

Hold your daughter while she was small

You were supposed to be there when I got married

You were supposed to have carried

My children in your arms as they smiled

You were supposed to be the godfather of my child

To make it easier I sometimes pretend

That, in fact, your life didn’t end

That you’re just on vacation, fulfilling your dreams

Soaking up sunlight and sketching streams

Watching the birds fly overhead

I can’t accept that you’re really dead

But you deserved better than the life you got

And I know that even though you’re not

Physically here anymore, you’re still in my heart

It’s just that I don’t know where to start

To begin living my life again

Without you here, my very best friend.

 

K.M.

3-6/7-11

 

 

 

Winter in My Heart

6 Mar

Excerpt, Circa 2005

My heart still grows colder

I can’t find the light

From the fire to warm me

I’m not going to be alright

 

I’m growing weak

I can’t find my way

I needed you here

But you didn’t stay

 

You were my salvation

With you I was protected

But now that you’re gone

The storm has elected

 

To destroy me on every level

To break me down to my core

To leave me with a desire

To find something more

 

Than just a numbness

Than just a memory

Of the warmth of a love

That you brought to me

 

But this longing for you

Isn’t going to bring you back

I finally see the fire

But the warmth it does lack

I see your face hidden

In a glacier of tears

Built up on my journey

Compiled of fears

 

And no matter how hard I try

To melt it away

I come to the realization

That you just couldn’t stay

So with my heart in my hand

Surrounded by frost

I look back at the memory

Of another battle I lost

 

And know that it’s life

That winter brings pain

That it freezes the comfort

Of the therapeutic rain

So with bitterness in my heart

And tears on my face

Cold takes over my body

And warmth can’t replace

 

And I hold up my head

And I continue on my way

Into the shadows of tomorrow

Of another cold day

 

K.M.

 

Dedicated to B.A.T. –>2011

I won’t say Rest in Peace

28 Feb

Brett Andrew Taylor

My Very Best Friend

12-27-82 –> 2-26-11

I love you.

Maybe it’s just selfish… maybe I’m still in denial. I mean, I look at my phone every 20 minutes to see if I’ve got a message from you… a missed call. I keep expecting some one to call me and say, “hey, we were wrong… he’s okay.”

I know it won’t happen… but I wish to God it would. We had something I don’t think anyone else has ever had. I don’t think that’s over stating, either. There’s a Savage Garden song… “I knew I loved you,” that’s kind of perfect.

“I know that it might sound more than a little crazy, but I believe. I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life.”

See, I think that’s part of why we are how we are. I had a dream a long long time ago when I was just a little girl. I dreamed of you, Brett… your name… your face… your personality. And then one day, there you were.

But you know that story already. You know everything about me.

I’ve been going through all of our exchanges over the years… the minor and silly ones to the deep and meaningful ones. All the times you told me you love me… that I changed your life… that I was the most amazing person you’d ever known…”

That you look at the faces of children and see me in their smiles… that I meant everything to you…. I’m really glad I kept everything.

I keep replaying every moment we’ve had together…

Everyone keeps saying “Rest in Peace.” I can’t say that to you. It’s too impersonal. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world. It’s not fair… but life never is. It wasn’t fair to you… that’s for damn sure. The only comfort I have is knowing that you will never again be plagued by a seizure… that your shoulder will never pop out again… that you finally get a break…

I fell to the floor screaming and sobbing when I got the call…. I had just gotten out of the shower. Naked… when a person is most vulnerable. I screamed and cried in a ball on the floor for a while… I’m not sure how long… and then I knew I couldn’t be alone anymore.

I threw on some pants and a sweatshirt and some really big sunglasses to hide my eyes… and I got in the car and cried the whole way to your house… because I had to see for myself. I didn’t stop when I saw your dads truck there… that’s when I knew it was real. I kept going… pulled into the parking lot of Gieslers… and found Ryan. We hugged and cried and talked about you…

Mike promised me we could name our first son after you… Brett Andrew Taylor Bergen… because I need you in my life forever.

I love you so much. It feels like someone is holding my heart in their hand and squeezing it as hard as they can. Other than that… I just feel empty. I can’t imagine my world without you in it… when you’ve been my number one fan for so many years.

I can’t eat… I can’t sleep… I can barely even breathe.

I don’t want to believe that you’re gone… but I’m still trying. Your obituary isn’t in the paper yet… that’s going to be my first step… your funeral will be my second step. I hope it’s open casket. Not because I want to see your lifeless body lying in a box… believe me that’s the last thing I want. I just want to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear how much I love you… and hope to God you hear me.

I’m going to share some of the things you’ve said to me. I know under ordinary circumstances… you’d never allow it… but now more than ever, it’s important that people get to see you for what you truly are… and that is simply amazing.

“You ever have that feeling that you just want to hug somebody so hard and

just never let go. Thats how I feel about you right now…

Why couldnt we be conjoined twins or something, how does the saying go?

Dont walk ahead of me I may not follow, Dont walk behind me I may

not lead, just walk beside me and be a friend. (I think I nailed it)…”

“Hey Kel, I just flipped through my yearbook and it got me to thinking, one

day we will say goodbye to one another. I guess what I am trying to say is

I am lucky my life hasn’t gone the way I had planned up until now because I

would have missed out on meeting the greatest girl in the whole world.

Love, Brett”

This one is from a time when we thought we’d be saying goodbye, but we never really could…

“You and I seemed to click on a few levels thus helping our friendship grow.

Now we are just 6 days away from saying goodbye. I am going to miss you

Kelly, I hope that in time you forget about me. Then once I am forgotten

one day you look at something (poster, photo, cd, etc.) and a smile forms on

your face.

Ultimately that is what my friendship hopefully has meant to you….smiles

and laughter. I do not want you to think of me and cry after I leave

Sunday. (It is just another day.)”

“I have had the indescribable pleasure of getting to know Kelly MacIntyre.

I in fact fell in love with her.

She is perfect in every way that matters to me. “

I can’t picture a life without late night walks through the park sharing our secrets… silly jokes coming through on my phone. Getting a little drunk and silly. I can’t picture not going places with you… not ever making new memories. I can’t imagine a life without my favorite person.

I love you and I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart… you mean the world to me.

I won’t say Rest in Peace to you… but I hope you found Ashley up there in Heaven and she answers all the questions that have been eating away at you for the past 13 years. And I hope you wait for me…

Here’s one more thing… the last part of a short story you wrote… seems poignant, especially now that you’re really gone.

Excerpt from “Drowning Sorrow” By Brett Andrew Taylor

“One last thing” says the shadowed figure. “That friend of yours, Kelly. She has a smile that can make the coldest hearts melt. I think I might pay her a visit sometime”. He nods and into the cold depths I go. 10 seconds and I am at the bottom. Seaweed lapping at my bare skin. My thoughts begin to swirl as I struggle to hold my breath. How does he know who she is, who the hell was he?. Why did I not tell her that when I did plan on leaving that I would let her know. Invite her, tell her I love her. I’m going to die without ever telling her my true feelings. I can’t hold my breath any longer. I release “I love you Ke” in a blast of bubbles as water floods my lungs. I hope she hears that. -my final thought.

——–

I heard it Brett. I love you too.