On Such Days…

I believe it’s the first day of spring today. It’s been beautiful for the past week or so. Yesterday, it was 75 in the sun. That’s beautiful in my book.

Due to a massive miscommunication, I ended up with the day off today (not complaining). I decided to take advantage of it. I slept in three hours longer than I normally would have been able to on a Saturday (which is still not very late at all). I got ready for the day, and then decided to for for a drive. I love driving with the windows down and the sun shining; it doesn’t matter where I’m going, as long as I’m on my way.

I figured I’d go to Barnes and Noble and get some new books to read, since my most recent read is a book I’ve already read three times prior. Time for new books. So I took the back roads to my favorite Barnes and Noble, browsed the shelves for about a half hour, and finally settled on two classics: Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, (I never read it in High School, instead, I read A Separate Peace [incidentally, a fantastic book]) and Ken Kesey’s One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

A very nice man in line in front of me smiled and asked me how my day was going. “Very well, thank you,” I replied with a smile. It wasn’t a lie, I was in a fantastic mood. After I paid, I decided to stop at Starbucks. My drink came out perfectly.

On my way home, as often happens to me on such days, I had an overwhelming urge to go visit my Grandma. I was in her neck of the woods, and I usually stop in to see her on beautiful afternoons. This is the first time, however, that this has happened to me since she passed away. I immediately lost the smile on my face, and it was replaced with the same agony I felt when I found out she had died. Tears were pouring down my face and my head started pounding with the harsh reality that I’d never again be able to stop and visit her on such days.

How nice it would have been to sip my Starbucks in her sun-soaked living room while discussing my newest book purchases and asking what she had read recently. I tried to shake it off, remembering that she is in a “better place” and that it was still a beautiful day, but I couldn’t.

That’s why I’m writing about it, because if I don’t, I’ll be consumed with the agony for the rest of the day, and it’s too beautiful to be in a dark place.

I have a feeling that this will not be the last time I am overcome with the desire to visit her, but I’m hoping it will get a little easier each time, because this time, it was rough.

I miss you, Grandma <3

Going Through The Cycle (Excerpts)

Excerpts.

Going through the cycle

Don’t take me seriously when I say I can’t take it

Take what little willpower I have left and just break it

Force me to go through the cycle once more

Pretend you know what I’m doing this for

Tell me the ends justify the means

Tell me it’s not as bad as it seems.

I won’t believe you

…

I’m worn out and beat down

…

A fake smile painted on my face

Running around from place to place

Trying to satisfy everyone’s demands

Jumping at each command

Silently breaking at each request

In my free moments now I’m just depressed

With the thoughts of all that’s left to do

I’m trying so hard to just save you

But I fear that in the exchange

You’ll get better and I’ll be deranged

And no one will be there to save me

Because no one will take me seriously

When I say I can’t take it

….

K.M.

Intermission

Happiness is an intermission between death and despair
The world is a cruel place that’s unfair
That shouldn’t stop us from trying to live
Shouldn’t detract from the things that we give
We shouldn’t view death as something to fear
It’s coming some day, but right now it’s not here
This is the life you were given
This is the world you must live in
Life’s just a game; happiness’s are breaks
We all fall down, skin our knees; we all make mistakes
Sometimes wounds heal like they never were there
Sometimes a scar is our burden to bear
Happiness is easy for some people to accept
But for others, it’s too hard to handle
The remnants of a burnt out candle
Some believe it’s just an illusion
Some are lost in the confusion
Which parts are the game? Which parts are the breaks?
Was that a strategic move or was it a mistake?
It’s these people we’ve got to watch out for
It’s these people who are the thinkers
These people who will save us
When we pollute the sky so much the sun can’t shine through
It’s these people who will know what to do
The people who think of the worst possible case
The people who are forever in the chase
For the solution to the problem no one can solve
It’s these people; they’re the one’s who evolve.
If the optimists were the main source of evolution
We’d already have suffocated from the pollution
Because they’d think everything would just work out fine
Think there never was a line
So how could we have crossed it?
No, it’s the pessimists that will keep us alive
Living for the intermissions in life
Working through the despair
Embracing their moments of happiness
Because they do come, sometimes
And they will continue to live
They will evolve
And they’ll save us all
And who’ll be laughing then?

K.M.

Hello Despair II

The Sequel to “Hello Despair” <–Click to view

I’ve said hello to Despair before
I let him walk right through my door
I wasn’t firm in my request
The effort was minimal at best
“Please, I’m busy, you can not stay”
But he sat there anyway
A malicious grin across his face
“Please, you must leave this place”
He never spoke to me a word
Though his message still was heard
“You are weak and I am stronger”
“You’ll give up and I’ll last longer”
Those were the words radiating from him
The future was looking bleak and grim
“Enough, Despair” I said one day
“It’s time for you to go away”
He did not leave, but to my surprise
He looked deep into my eyes
In that moment a flash of hope
Perhaps a new way to cope?
No, high hopes make for a harder fall
He kept on staring and through it all
I felt myself growing weaker, faint
He grabbed my neck, and without restraint
I collapsed under the pressure of his victory

K.M.
9-16-09

A Poem, Revisited

Hello Despair

Hello Despair
I saw you standing there
Waiting anxiously in the shadows
Waiting for a chance to beat your foes
Comfort and Happiness
Waiting to repossess
The very being that is me
I was blind, I couldn’t see
I honestly thought I had you defeated
I thought you finally retreated
I thought the sunshine was too bright
You even stayed away at night
But suddenly the sun is gone
And I see you’ve been there all along
Just waiting for your chance to win
And I succumb to your victory once again
Because I see that you are truly victorious
All that once seemed so glorious
I know now was just an illusion
Created by my deep confusion
I was foolish; I let down my guard
You didn’t have to try very hard
The second a cloud shadowed my life
You were right there to add to my strife
And it looks as if you’ve come to stay
Because I’m feeling cold today
It’s a feeling I remember well
From before when you did dwell
In the deepest parts of my soul
When I literally had no control
And there you are once again
Decided you’d be my new best friend
But I hate you Despair
This just isn’t fair
Why can’t you just go away?
I hope you didn’t come to stay
I hope you’re just visiting a while
Because being sad just is not my style
I hate what you’ve forced me to be
I hate letting people see
How weak I have become

K.M
7.27.07

Can’t Believe in Tomorrow

This is an old poem from the not so happy 15 year old version of me….It’s definitely not one of my best pieces… I’m posting it for all the kids out there who are going through what I went through… to show them that even though they may feel despair or depression, or just feel like no one understands… it doesn’t last forever. I promise…. and I understand.

Often times they ask me whether
I can find it in my heart to believe in forever
Well honestly with all this sorrow
I find it hard to even believe in tomorrow
When things never go the way I plan
Wondering why I ever ran
Away from the stability I used to know
Now I find it hard to show
The way I’m feeling
And I’m having trouble dealing
With this pain
I’ve got nothing to gain
I’m suffering from eternal desolation
No where near my destination
Losing my love for the things that I knew
Finding it hard to believe in things true
When I’ve only known things to be fake
When every choice in my life has been a mistake
When the truths that I’m told are really just lies
And everything is always a compromise
Only it’s really not
Because I’ve lost every battle that I’ve fought
And nothing ever really goes in my favor
Never rewarded for good behavior
Longing to find something to believe in
Waiting for a battle that I actually win
Hoping that next time I won’t have to fight
For the things that I already know are right
Telling others that what they’re doing is wrong
And then realizing that I don’t belong
In the world that they’ve created
So I’m here desolated
All alone
In a world of my own
And it’s lonely
Because I’m the only
One in it and I refuse to go back
To the world where everyone is out of whack
Where no one can see the damage they cause
They never take the time to pause
And realize that they’re just adding to my pain
Because I refuse to be the same
And I’m sick of playing this game
I hate being alone
In this world I call my own
I want to let someone else in
Let them fight beside me so together we can win
And maybe then I’d find the strength to smile
And life would be a little more worth while
Because right now it’s just a waste of time
I’ve pushed every boundary and crossed every line
And it gets me nowhere
I can’t seem to find anyone who cares
There’s no one who understands
I can’t create what the world demands
And what it demands is the type of person
That I refuse to be and I am certain
That no one will ever be satisfied
And every accomplishment I’ve made will just be denied
I’m ok with the person I’ve become
I walk to the beat of my own drum
But when I look back on the person that I used to be
I’m disgusted by the fact that that was me
I hate who I was in the past
Back when I reacted too fast
I didn’t take the time to think things through
I was never sure on what to do
So I just acted on desire
I got sucked into the fire
Burning with flames that could destroy my potential
Forgetting what was really essential
I’m glad that I got away from that way of life
Back when everything was just strife
Just more drama that I didn’t need
…..
Only back then I was blind and I couldn’t see
But now I can see and I hate who I was
But I’m still not happy because
Back then at least I wasn’t alone
Back then I had someone to call my own
And back then I was actually happy
Even though I was treated pretty crappy
I was still in love
And I was strong
Now I’m knocked down by the softest shove
And I feel like I don’t belong
And I hate this way
I have no words to say
Only tears to cry
And the waters will never run dry
They are ever flowing, every night
Because nothing ever goes right
I just want stability back in my life
I really saw myself being his wife
I know that was looking pretty far ahead
But I’d rather have a plan for the future than just wind up dead
Because at this rate that’s the way it’s going to be
And I really don’t think that anyone can see
That I’m not breaking down
It happened a long time ago
And they don’t notice my frown
Because it’s something that I constantly show
No one pays attention to these things
And everyone always brings
Sadness to my eyes
And tell me  lies
And I can’t take this anymore
So many times I wanted to walk out the door
Keep walking forever and never look back
Get out of this life and on a new track
Where I can smile
I’ll walk a million miles
I just want to be happy again
I just want to make things right
Have someone to hold throughout the night
Know that my family knew what I’m going through
Know that someone feels the same way that I do
But I don’t know this and none of it’s true
So when you ask me whether
I find it possible to believe in forever
I’ll just look at you with a smile
Hold back tears all the while
Thinking of the pain and sorrow
And just hoping that I can make it through to tomorrow

K.M.
11-29-05

Hello Despair

Hello Despair

Hello Despair
I saw you standing there
Waiting anxiously in the shadows
Waiting for a chance to beat your foes
Comfort and Happiness
Waiting to repossess
The very being that is me
I was blind, I couldn’t see
I honestly thought I had you defeated
I thought you finally retreated
I thought the sunshine was too bright
You even stayed away at night
But suddenly the sun is gone
And I see you’ve been there all along
Just waiting for your chance to win
And I succumb to your victory once again
Because I see that you are truly victorious
All that once seemed so glorious
I know now was just an illusion
Created by my deep confusion
I was foolish; I let down my guard
You didn’t have to try very hard
The second a cloud shadowed my life
You were right there to add to my strife
And it looks as if you’ve come to stay
Because I’m feeling cold today
It’s a feeling I remember well
From before when you did dwell
In the deepest parts of my soul
When I literally had no control
And there you are once again
Decided you’d be my new best friend
But I hate you Despair
This just isn’t fair
Why can’t you just go away?
I hope you didn’t come to stay
I hope you’re just visiting a while
Because being sad just is not my style
I hate what you’ve forced me to be
I hate letting people see
How weak I have become

Eternal Desolation

There are so many things I wish I had the courage to say. So many fears I wish I could voice. There are so many thoughts and ideas kept prisoner inside my mind.

My mind is like a giant jail cell full of innocent people wrongly convicted of a crime, condemned to spend eternity locked up unjustly. I too, am a prisoner of my mind. I see the thoughts, ideas, and feelings, and there is a sheet of glass blocking them, so strong that nothing can penetrate it. I can not set them free; I can not set myself free. With each day that passes a thin layer of dust covers the glass and no matter what I do to clear the dust, eventually everything becomes indistinguishable.
I can no longer tell when I am happy or when I am sad. I have become a shell of my former self, numb to all feelings good or bad. Often times when I assume that I am happy, I raise a hand to my face only to feel tears pouring out of my eyes. I don’t know the reason that I cry, and I can never quite tell why I’m smiling.
It seems that no matter how hard I try I can no longer grasp the things that I once had such control over. I used to be able to pull inspiration out of thin air and write down my deepest desires and darkest secrets. Now no matter how long I sit and stare at a piece of paper or the flashing bar on the computer screen, nothing inspiring comes to my mind.
I have become a desperate soul searching for a purpose. What is left for me now that I’ve lost it all? I used to want to be a writer with the ability to instill fear, happiness, desperation and love into the hearts and minds of anyone and everyone who read my books or my poetry. I knew that I had that ability then, and to this day I know that I still have so much potential.
The problem is I let things dwell and become forever encased in that glass that continually gathers dust. I’ve placed my inspiration in a glass box on a shelf too high for me to reach and no way to ever access it again. I’ve lost the ability to be happy or hopeful. The only feelings that I have are ones of desperation and despair.
I have lost the strength in all my friendships. Everyone that used to be close and important has been lost along this journey towards eternal desolation. The faces of former friends and family are now simply just shadows fading into the night. When that final ray of light dwindles and dies, the shadows of the people that I once loved will too fade away, along with any hope that I had left.
I feel as though I’m on a sinking ship without life vest or lifeboat. I’ve sailed myself out to the middle of nowhere and the water around me is freezing. My body is exhausted and lacks the strength to swim me back to salvation. There is no one beside me to offer comforting words, there’s no one for me to say goodbye to, no one to save me.
That is what my life has become, a ship destined to sink. I have lost touch with reality, only able to look through the dusted glass, as though I’m living in a dream and unable to contact anyone of importance. I can see my memories and they remind me of how things used to be. I see the soul of my former self screaming out in anguish for all the pain I’ve suffered. I see the shell of who I used to be going through the motions of every day life, struggling to get by.
Night time is the only time that I embrace because when the restlessness finally subsides and I fade away into sleep, I am free, if only but for a few hours.