Brett Andrew Taylor
My Very Best Friend
12-27-82 –> 2-26-11
I love you.
Maybe it’s just selfish… maybe I’m still in denial. I mean, I look at my phone every 20 minutes to see if I’ve got a message from you… a missed call. I keep expecting some one to call me and say, “hey, we were wrong… he’s okay.”
I know it won’t happen… but I wish to God it would. We had something I don’t think anyone else has ever had. I don’t think that’s over stating, either. There’s a Savage Garden song… “I knew I loved you,” that’s kind of perfect.
“I know that it might sound more than a little crazy, but I believe. I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life.”
See, I think that’s part of why we are how we are. I had a dream a long long time ago when I was just a little girl. I dreamed of you, Brett… your name… your face… your personality. And then one day, there you were.
But you know that story already. You know everything about me.
I’ve been going through all of our exchanges over the years… the minor and silly ones to the deep and meaningful ones. All the times you told me you love me… that I changed your life… that I was the most amazing person you’d ever known…”
That you look at the faces of children and see me in their smiles… that I meant everything to you…. I’m really glad I kept everything.
I keep replaying every moment we’ve had together…
Everyone keeps saying “Rest in Peace.” I can’t say that to you. It’s too impersonal. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world. It’s not fair… but life never is. It wasn’t fair to you… that’s for damn sure. The only comfort I have is knowing that you will never again be plagued by a seizure… that your shoulder will never pop out again… that you finally get a break…
I fell to the floor screaming and sobbing when I got the call…. I had just gotten out of the shower. Naked… when a person is most vulnerable. I screamed and cried in a ball on the floor for a while… I’m not sure how long… and then I knew I couldn’t be alone anymore.
I threw on some pants and a sweatshirt and some really big sunglasses to hide my eyes… and I got in the car and cried the whole way to your house… because I had to see for myself. I didn’t stop when I saw your dads truck there… that’s when I knew it was real. I kept going… pulled into the parking lot of Gieslers… and found Ryan. We hugged and cried and talked about you…
Mike promised me we could name our first son after you… Brett Andrew Taylor Bergen… because I need you in my life forever.
I love you so much. It feels like someone is holding my heart in their hand and squeezing it as hard as they can. Other than that… I just feel empty. I can’t imagine my world without you in it… when you’ve been my number one fan for so many years.
I can’t eat… I can’t sleep… I can barely even breathe.
I don’t want to believe that you’re gone… but I’m still trying. Your obituary isn’t in the paper yet… that’s going to be my first step… your funeral will be my second step. I hope it’s open casket. Not because I want to see your lifeless body lying in a box… believe me that’s the last thing I want. I just want to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear how much I love you… and hope to God you hear me.
I’m going to share some of the things you’ve said to me. I know under ordinary circumstances… you’d never allow it… but now more than ever, it’s important that people get to see you for what you truly are… and that is simply amazing.
“You ever have that feeling that you just want to hug somebody so hard and
just never let go. Thats how I feel about you right now…
Why couldnt we be conjoined twins or something, how does the saying go?
Dont walk ahead of me I may not follow, Dont walk behind me I may
not lead, just walk beside me and be a friend. (I think I nailed it)…”
“Hey Kel, I just flipped through my yearbook and it got me to thinking, one
day we will say goodbye to one another. I guess what I am trying to say is
I am lucky my life hasn’t gone the way I had planned up until now because I
would have missed out on meeting the greatest girl in the whole world.
Love, Brett”
This one is from a time when we thought we’d be saying goodbye, but we never really could…
“You and I seemed to click on a few levels thus helping our friendship grow.
Now we are just 6 days away from saying goodbye. I am going to miss you
Kelly, I hope that in time you forget about me. Then once I am forgotten
one day you look at something (poster, photo, cd, etc.) and a smile forms on
your face.
Ultimately that is what my friendship hopefully has meant to you….smiles
and laughter. I do not want you to think of me and cry after I leave
Sunday. (It is just another day.)”
“I have had the indescribable pleasure of getting to know Kelly MacIntyre.
I in fact fell in love with her.
She is perfect in every way that matters to me. “
I can’t picture a life without late night walks through the park sharing our secrets… silly jokes coming through on my phone. Getting a little drunk and silly. I can’t picture not going places with you… not ever making new memories. I can’t imagine a life without my favorite person.
I love you and I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart… you mean the world to me.
I won’t say Rest in Peace to you… but I hope you found Ashley up there in Heaven and she answers all the questions that have been eating away at you for the past 13 years. And I hope you wait for me…
Here’s one more thing… the last part of a short story you wrote… seems poignant, especially now that you’re really gone.
Excerpt from “Drowning Sorrow” By Brett Andrew Taylor
“One last thing” says the shadowed figure. “That friend of yours, Kelly. She has a smile that can make the coldest hearts melt. I think I might pay her a visit sometime”. He nods and into the cold depths I go. 10 seconds and I am at the bottom. Seaweed lapping at my bare skin. My thoughts begin to swirl as I struggle to hold my breath. How does he know who she is, who the hell was he?. Why did I not tell her that when I did plan on leaving that I would let her know. Invite her, tell her I love her. I’m going to die without ever telling her my true feelings. I can’t hold my breath any longer. I release “I love you Ke” in a blast of bubbles as water floods my lungs. I hope she hears that. -my final thought.
——–
I heard it Brett. I love you too.
