I won’t say Rest in Peace

Brett Andrew Taylor

My Very Best Friend

12-27-82 –> 2-26-11

I love you.

Maybe it’s just selfish… maybe I’m still in denial. I mean, I look at my phone every 20 minutes to see if I’ve got a message from you… a missed call. I keep expecting some one to call me and say, “hey, we were wrong… he’s okay.”

I know it won’t happen… but I wish to God it would. We had something I don’t think anyone else has ever had. I don’t think that’s over stating, either. There’s a Savage Garden song… “I knew I loved you,” that’s kind of perfect.

“I know that it might sound more than a little crazy, but I believe. I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life.”

See, I think that’s part of why we are how we are. I had a dream a long long time ago when I was just a little girl. I dreamed of you, Brett… your name… your face… your personality. And then one day, there you were.

But you know that story already. You know everything about me.

I’ve been going through all of our exchanges over the years… the minor and silly ones to the deep and meaningful ones. All the times you told me you love me… that I changed your life… that I was the most amazing person you’d ever known…”

That you look at the faces of children and see me in their smiles… that I meant everything to you…. I’m really glad I kept everything.

I keep replaying every moment we’ve had together…

Everyone keeps saying “Rest in Peace.” I can’t say that to you. It’s too impersonal. You’re my best friend in the whole wide world. It’s not fair… but life never is. It wasn’t fair to you… that’s for damn sure. The only comfort I have is knowing that you will never again be plagued by a seizure… that your shoulder will never pop out again… that you finally get a break…

I fell to the floor screaming and sobbing when I got the call…. I had just gotten out of the shower. Naked… when a person is most vulnerable. I screamed and cried in a ball on the floor for a while… I’m not sure how long… and then I knew I couldn’t be alone anymore.

I threw on some pants and a sweatshirt and some really big sunglasses to hide my eyes… and I got in the car and cried the whole way to your house… because I had to see for myself. I didn’t stop when I saw your dads truck there… that’s when I knew it was real. I kept going… pulled into the parking lot of Gieslers… and found Ryan. We hugged and cried and talked about you…

Mike promised me we could name our first son after you… Brett Andrew Taylor Bergen… because I need you in my life forever.

I love you so much. It feels like someone is holding my heart in their hand and squeezing it as hard as they can. Other than that… I just feel empty. I can’t imagine my world without you in it… when you’ve been my number one fan for so many years.

I can’t eat… I can’t sleep… I can barely even breathe.

I don’t want to believe that you’re gone… but I’m still trying. Your obituary isn’t in the paper yet… that’s going to be my first step… your funeral will be my second step. I hope it’s open casket. Not because I want to see your lifeless body lying in a box… believe me that’s the last thing I want. I just want to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear how much I love you… and hope to God you hear me.

I’m going to share some of the things you’ve said to me. I know under ordinary circumstances… you’d never allow it… but now more than ever, it’s important that people get to see you for what you truly are… and that is simply amazing.

“You ever have that feeling that you just want to hug somebody so hard and

just never let go. Thats how I feel about you right now…

Why couldnt we be conjoined twins or something, how does the saying go?

Dont walk ahead of me I may not follow, Dont walk behind me I may

not lead, just walk beside me and be a friend. (I think I nailed it)…”

“Hey Kel, I just flipped through my yearbook and it got me to thinking, one

day we will say goodbye to one another. I guess what I am trying to say is

I am lucky my life hasn’t gone the way I had planned up until now because I

would have missed out on meeting the greatest girl in the whole world.

Love, Brett”

This one is from a time when we thought we’d be saying goodbye, but we never really could…

“You and I seemed to click on a few levels thus helping our friendship grow.

Now we are just 6 days away from saying goodbye. I am going to miss you

Kelly, I hope that in time you forget about me. Then once I am forgotten

one day you look at something (poster, photo, cd, etc.) and a smile forms on

your face.

Ultimately that is what my friendship hopefully has meant to you….smiles

and laughter. I do not want you to think of me and cry after I leave

Sunday. (It is just another day.)”

“I have had the indescribable pleasure of getting to know Kelly MacIntyre.

I in fact fell in love with her.

She is perfect in every way that matters to me. “

I can’t picture a life without late night walks through the park sharing our secrets… silly jokes coming through on my phone. Getting a little drunk and silly. I can’t picture not going places with you… not ever making new memories. I can’t imagine a life without my favorite person.

I love you and I want you to know that from the bottom of my heart… you mean the world to me.

I won’t say Rest in Peace to you… but I hope you found Ashley up there in Heaven and she answers all the questions that have been eating away at you for the past 13 years. And I hope you wait for me…

Here’s one more thing… the last part of a short story you wrote… seems poignant, especially now that you’re really gone.

Excerpt from “Drowning Sorrow” By Brett Andrew Taylor

“One last thing” says the shadowed figure. “That friend of yours, Kelly. She has a smile that can make the coldest hearts melt. I think I might pay her a visit sometime”. He nods and into the cold depths I go. 10 seconds and I am at the bottom. Seaweed lapping at my bare skin. My thoughts begin to swirl as I struggle to hold my breath. How does he know who she is, who the hell was he?. Why did I not tell her that when I did plan on leaving that I would let her know. Invite her, tell her I love her. I’m going to die without ever telling her my true feelings. I can’t hold my breath any longer. I release “I love you Ke” in a blast of bubbles as water floods my lungs. I hope she hears that. -my final thought.

——–

I heard it Brett. I love you too.

I love you forever and ever.

Today, my best friend in the world died… and it’s not fair at all… and I have absolutely no idea what to do.  I love you forever and ever.

 

“I want to tell you a secret,

I’m your number one fan

And that’s simply because…

No one makes me laugh like you can…

And I’ll always recall

How you were there to catch me if ever I’d fall…

And when things aren’t going quite the way I’d planned

You’re always there with a bit of advice

And even those days when you’re not perfectly nice…

You always manage to come through in the end…

… I love you forever… you’re my very best friend.”

–K.M.

7-20-07

 

“And you’re everything I dreamed you’d be

I can’t tell you exactly when I realized

That you were everything in my eyes”

K.M.

12-7-05

 

“I know you never knew it,

But I loved you then,

I love you still…

I always have,

I always will.”

K.M.

2-7-05

 

“And you would smile through your tears

And remember all the happy years

The memories we made together

Would be something to cherish forever

And I could die with a smile

Because you made my last moments of life worth while”

K.M.

2-26-05

 

“I can see you drowning there

You act like no one would care

If you were gone

You say you just can’t go on

Well I’m standing here reaching out

So I don’t understand why you have any doubt

That you’re loved, because from the bottom of my heart

I’ll be there like I was at the start

…

There’s so much farther that you could go

There’s still so much that you don’t know

So when you feel like giving up the race

Remember why you held on so long in the first place

And remember that I love you dear

Just know that I’m always going to be here”

K.M.

4-27-06

 

 

Damn Technology

I just spent a good half hour writing about the dangers of eBooks… yada yada, etcetera. Then, when I clicked publish, fricken WordPress brought me to the sign in screen. I signed in, and my post was gone. AGH.

If you had the opportunity to read the post I just worked so diligently on, this post would be ironic. Unfortunately, it is now lost in cyber space somewhere, and I have things to do. Maybe some other time, you can read my post entitled… “The Modern Day Fahrenheit 451… Kind of”

 

Until then…

Slacking

I suppose you could say I’ve been slacking over the past few months. I’ve been neglecting my faithful readers. I’m pleased to see that I still have a steady stream of 50 hits per day regardless of the fact that I haven’t posted anything lately.

Here are the excuses I’m going to offer you:

I’m in the middle of buying a house. And then moving in to said house… (which was supposed to happen Dec. 13, but is now set for Friday).

I started my internship at WGGB TV an ABC40/Fox6 duopoly.

I started the last semester of my senior year of college. Which came really fast but can’t be over fast enough. I’ve spent a good portion of my time so far this semester fighting via email with certain staff members who are surprisingly unprofessional.

I’ve been semi-packing for this move for weeks… even months… but it’s tough because I never know what I’m going to need to dig out of boxes. I cracked and packed away 6 boxes worth of my favorite books last week. Then I watched Fight Club and wanted to pull out all of my Chuck Palahniuk books, but I couldn’t because they were all boxed up.

I’ve also been working my regular 2 jobs plus a project via KMC, so things have been pretty busy on this front. I have written a few poems but most of them were written during moments of quiet desperation for things in my life to go more smoothly and get less stressful. That means I probably won’t be sharing them for another few years, like I do with most of my more depressing poems. Whatever.

Anyway, I really want to pull my Chuck books to double check that I own Fight Club… then I want to re-read and do an analytical piece on the book vs the movie. But who knows if/when that will happen.

(p.s. I have still been reading if any of you were keeping up with my books read list… I think it’s safe to add an additional 10 to the list, though I’m not sure where I left off [V.C. Andrews I can only assume.])

And for fun, here’s a random picture for the day. I took this while staying at the Shack Up Inn in Mississippi. I took a ton of great photos there. My favorite part of this picture is the very old truck next to the very sporty new car.

The Lady of Shalott

First of all, sorry I haven’t been posting much lately. I just started my internship at a local TV station and I’ve been quite busy besides.

I’m taking a class this semester called “The Legends of King Arthur”

In our syllabus, I noticed we were going to be reading “The Lady of Shalott,” which got me very excited because that poem is the reason I started writing poetry in the first place. I heard bits of it in Anne of Green Gabels, and was hooked.

It’s quite a lovely poem, and I’ve been working on a recording of it to do it poetic justice, but alas, I do not have a soothing voice. So anyway, here it is. Take a few minutes to read it all… it’s beautiful.

By: Alfred Lord Tennyson

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the world and meet the sky;
And thro’ the field the road runs by
To many-tower’d Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil’d,
Slide the heavy barges trail’d
By slow horses; and unhail’d
The shallop flitteth silken-sail’d
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower’d Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, ” ‘Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott.”

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair’d page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower’d Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror’s magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
“I am half sick of shadows,” said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro’ the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel’d
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter’d free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon’d baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell’d shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn’d like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro’ the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow’d;
On burnish’d hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow’d
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
“Tirra lirra,” by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look’d down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower’d Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river’s dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance –
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right –
The leaves upon her falling light –
Thro’ the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn’d to tower’d Camelot.
For ere she reach’d upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, “She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott.”